Amorass Rhinosorass

Amorass Rhinosorass

 

Down in the valley where the birdies pick the grass

A birdie picked a feather from another birdie's ass

Said the mother to the birdie, "You must learn to pick the grass

And never pick a feather from another birdie's ass!"

 

So the birdies know the story, and they know what they must do

But the humans in the valley don't really have a clue

They think that they're in charge, for them respect is due

And they think they can teach rhinos, exactly how to screw

 

Well rhinos are quite solitary, because they have a horn

Which, if you ever meet one, be careful not to scorn

They are a little ugly, but that's the way they're born

Because they seldom fall in love, their hearts are seldom torn

 

Every six and thirty months they seem to fall in lust

And tear around the bundu in an attitude that's fussed

They bash up trees and kopies, so everything is bust

This periodic madness is what vets call the "Must"

 

But rhinos in the countryside are becoming rather rare

Some say that, "It's visitors, who at them always stare!

It makes them all embarrassed, so they seldom make a 'pair' "

So the Rangers got together, because they really care

 

They made a new contraption that could give a little shock

To stimulate a rhino and to rearrange his clock

Thinking that three years was up, and time to find a 'dock'

For the item he keeps hidden in a kind of folding sock

 

Well, the Rangers found a rhino and they caged him in a run

In spite that he was heavy and weighed more than a ton

But when they shoved electrodes where you never find the sun

The rhino just exploded and the fun had just begun

 

He galloped though the undergrowth, he galloped 'cross the plain

With the Rangers holding grimly to the bridle and the rein

The monkeys chattered wildly as he charged around again

While the vultures circled over, to see what they could gain

 

The Press had scattered rapidly and climbed up in a tree

To witness the catastrophe and write what they could see

The Director of the Wildlife was wishing he could be

Somewhere rather distant, like in Bomba Lo Zonke

 

The rhino with the sore ass was finally subdued

But not by all the rangers, now blackened, bruised and blued

But by a female rhino, who did something rather lewd

That I can not here record about, because you'll think me rude

 

So the moral to this story is, 'Let Nature have its Way'

Especially with animals who are both large and grey

They've been around for ages and they know just how to lay

The females of their species, in spite of all we say

 

Chris Higginson

(with apologies to the rangers for the serious work they do)

Dutch gym to introduce 'Naked Sunday'

By TOBY STERLING, Associated Press Writer Fri Feb 2, 5:33 PM ET

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Self-conscious about what you wear while working out? A Dutch gym plans to introduce "Naked Sunday" for people who like to huff and puff in the buff.

Patrick de Man, owner of Fitworld gym in the town of Heteren, said he got the idea in part from two of his customers who are avid nudists.

"I heard that some other gyms are offering courses on 'pole-dancing' as a sport, so I thought: Why not bring something new to the market?" de Man said.

He said the response had been overwhelming — positive and negative.

The 70,000-member Dutch Federation of Naturists was curious to see if Fitworld's plan would work, spokesman Bernd Huiser said.

"We recently conducted a large survey among our members, and most prefer to exercise with their clothes on," he said. "The most popular activities (for nudists) are things you do outdoors, like walking on the beach, or swimming in a lake, or maybe gardening."

De Man said the first question Fitworld customers were asking was whether it would be sanitary.

Nude exercisers would be required to put towels down on weight machines and to use disposable seat covers while riding bikes. All machines would be cleaned and disinfected afterward. "We clean them every day anyway," he said.

The first "Naked Sunday" is scheduled for March 4.

 

 

« March Forth Young Man ! »  The old man said

“Must make a Stand and get Ahead

“No more flopping in your bed

“There’s no stopping when you tread

“On the ‘walker’ mustn’t dread

“Trying to pork her Ethel red

 

Sallied forth the Young Man went

With his manhood slack and bent

But ready for the main event

Where he could all his feelings vent

 

Imagine when he saw the whoppers

Of the others: all “Show Stoppers”

Wearing only their clod hoppers

With tags and names like Piet Van Kloppers

 

Feeling small and quite outclassed

The Young Man hid behind the mast

While he stared at all the vast

Boobs and Bums that wandered past

 

Then they started working out

Waving all their “things” about

Most of them were over stout

Of this there wasn’t any doubt

 

The sight just made our Young Man blush

The hairy armpits, hairy tush

And afterwards, the stampede rush

Like herds of hippos in a crush

 

To the new communal showers

Where they seemed to play for hours

With the soap that smelt like flowers

That “cleans and scrubs and also scours”

 

And so with dis-gust in his mind

The Young Man left that place behind

To find a bar where he could blind

The mem’ry of that “Bump and Grind”

 

Courses of Medication

 

Don’t get ill on Friday if you wish to guard your health

‘Cause those who gain from illness and take away your wealth

Will not be keen on Friday to probe those hurts and stinks

They’re out there catching birdies on the open golfing links

 

On Mondays you can count on them to be at beck and call

The birds called secretaries will not your requests stall

And if you get a malady on Tuesday afternoon

They’ll give you cures and fixatives, that is for health a boon

 

On Wednesday there’s a few who go to exercise their swing

But will come running if you call, you just give them a ring

On Thursday they’re preparing, for tournaments at clubs

But not the types you find in cards, or whist drives at the pubs

 

These are clubs where Doctors go for weekly consultation

Where surgeons slice and GPs hook and get congratulation

“That’s a beauty!” “What a putt!” They’ll show true dedication

So don’t get ill on Friday, friend, if you want medication

 

The Farmer's Donkey

Ding Dong Dell, into the well
Fell the farmer’s donkey
It brayed like hell so he could tell
Where was that wonky donkey

To get it out he then did shout
To all his friends and neighbours
“Come give a hand here on my land
I’ll pay you for your labours!”

The well was deep with sides so steep
They had no clear suggestions
“How can we pull without a bull?”
“You’re always asking questions!”

The farmer said “The donkey’s dead
So let’s just fill the well in”
And so they started broken hearted
But donkey got the hell in

As all the sand did fall and land
Upon the donkey’s back
It shook aside and then it tried
To stand on it and pack

The sand below it seemed to grow
And rose as sand did plummet
When out it jumped ‘cause all the dumped
Sand had reached the summit

It’s rather sad that donkey mad
Now bit the farmer’s butt
The farmer cried and later died
From septicaemiac cut

The moral song when thing’s go wrong
And fate has come to pass
You’ll surely die if fail when try
To cover up your Ass

Chris Higginson
2nd Provocative Verse

Mugabe's Mausoleum

As millions starve, Mugabe builds a £2m shrine
(from the Daily Telegraph)

“Work has already begun on a museum, dedicated to the life and dubious achievements of the 83-year-old president, in his home district of Zvimba, 65 miles west of the capital, Harare.
Once complete, the museum will house Mugabe's prison letters, photographs from the war in the Sixties and Seventies against the minority white government of Ian Smith, his old clothes and copies of his famously fiery, and often intemperate, speeches.
The museum will also display some of the many gifts the president has received during his 27 years in office from those who have enjoyed his patronage - most of them members of his ruling Zanu PF party.
Pride of place is expected to be taken by a 16 ft-long stuffed Nile crocodile - a recent birthday gift from Mugabe's loyal ministers and officials.”


Mugabe’s Mausoleum

Mugabe, Blair both long in power
Approach at last their final hour
Both of them have stayed too long
They both ignored the final gong
That rang out loud across the land
Of both their countries, hand in hand
At last they near the final fence
They both desire prolonged pretence
That we will all recall they ruled
So well, but we will not be fooled
But now the difference ‘tween these two
Is coming clear to me and you
Blair will now be harshly judged
With legacy now somewhat smudged
But Muggers knows just how to twist
The Truth and thus confound the list
Of crimes he did against the nation
So now he lays the first foundation
Of a shrine that will him praise
With tokens, gifts put in displays
But pride of place a crocodile
Migrator from the far off Nile
Will this dictator represent
With all his lies and false intent
What better choice to memorise
This fiend who came to terrorise
The people that he said he’d lead
But turned their corpses into feed
For his greedy appetite
That swallows all both black and white


I’m pleased that he has turned out thus
To prove to all, that those of us
Who cast our doubts that he could rule
Have been proved right, although it’s cruel
The world needs some satanic curses
To show results when Good reverses
So in Mugabe’s burial crypt
Will lie the lowest Man has dipped

Chris Higginson
2nd Provocative Verse

Are We Blind?

Are We Blind?

Nature punished man one day,
She took a species right away
Never more we’d see it play
And did we care? No chance! No way!

So then another was deleted
To make the punishment repeated
We said “It isn’t we who cheated!”
Why’s it that we’re so conceited?

So then a swathe of types were lost
To see if we would count the cost
As we away our future tossed
As more from off the list we crossed

And did we care? No not a chance!
To make a stand or take a stance?
Not we, without a backward glance
Just trundled on as if in trance

As long as it’s not humankind
That with extinction is entwined
We’ll carry on, not peek behind
Because we know we have been blind

So let’s own more and squander wealth
Of lives not ours. It’s not our health
That’s in demise, although by stealth
It will be us
It will be us
It will be us

Chris Higginson
2nd Provocative Verse

Age Concern

My little dog, he’s old like me,
He’s grey around the muzzle
And yet he sits and stares like he
Can understand life’s puzzle

He knows his life will stop quite soon
But doesn’t seem to fret
Maybe he is quite in tune
To greet the end we get

I sometimes wonder how he knows
He seems so much at peace
Does he sense just where he goes
When he gets 'life release'

His years are shorter, far, than mine
Yet seems he is not jealous
And so I wonder why for sign
Of long life we are zealous

In modern life, we wave the wand
Like many countless folk
Who’ve gathered means so far beyond
What seems to be a joke

And so we fight off penury
We fear to lose our wealth
To rob us of a century
Of greed and sex by stealth

But how, in truth, was it we chose
This woe-begotten state
Where all we do is consult those
Who stop us from being ‘late’

Have we got so little trust
There is no life awaiting
And thus, to go on living must
Be what we’re reinstating

Next, if I’m a lucky one
Will be there when I share
All delight under the sun
Without a manmade care

To be a mayfly for a day,
An eagle on the morrow
A bat, to play the night away
And then a Swift or Swallow

Why do we think that owning all
Is what makes life worthwhile?
When joyful minutes can enthral
Like inches in a mile.

Chris Higginson
1st Provocative Verse